Friday, August 17, 2012

at a crossroads

so I am about to get my degree- that thing I have worked for on and off over the course of 15 years.  And yet, I feel incredibly ambivalent about it.  I'm not really interested in hunting down the career of my dreams, mostly because I don't even know what that would be (see previous post regarding motherhood).  If I really were able to have my choice, getting this degree would mean I could finally do what I really long so badly to do- be a mother.  Unfortunately, without doing something else for a career as a means to an end, this dream isn't possible right from the get-go.  Which kind of ticks me off in a very I-am-a-child-and-I-want-my-way-right-now kind of way.  so this whole degree thing is one of my crossroads.  But wait, there are more.

Another one has to do with the circle of friends I have created for myself.  While some have been life-long, others a 1/2 year long, and some fall somewhere in between that spectrum, I am beginning to feel a break, a crevasse, beginning to form between them and myself.  Many of them are interested in using substances to squelch emotions and heartaches, and while I have definitely used those methods in the past, I feel I'm out growing them.  I long for real and present communication, a meeting of minds, which is quite hard when those minds are cloudy and fuzzy with inebriation.  Part of me thinks this may be too emotionally "needy" of me (I do struggle with that issue), but another part stands firm in a NO, that's not it.  I deserve to surround myself with people who are open, present, and emotionally equipped to deal with life without getting shit faced.

It's really hard, though, coming to the above conclusion.  It means that 90% of my friendships are not fulfilling me on the level I would prefer them to.  I understand that we are all grown-ups now; we have to deal with work and bills and life and in some cases, children.  But is it so wrong of me to want something more?  Something more "real" than smoking pot and getting drunk all the time?  And it's not just the tendencies to use substances that is the problem- the real problem is a lack of real connection; a lack of understanding.  It's unfortunate that I have rarely felt that from any of my friendships for a quite some time.  It's time for some new friends.

And then there is dating.  This cultural activity (ritual?) that simultaneously has the potential to thrill and disgust me.  Meeting like-minded friends is hard enough, but meeting like-minded and potential mates?  It's a tedious, time consuming, tumultuous nightmare.  I've been on and off of dating sites for the past 5 years now, and out of maybe one hundred people (not even kidding) only a handful have had even slight potential.  So I am still single and still on the hunt.  I guess some of my angst comes from my unwillingness to accept mediocrity, which I so desperately accepted the first time I was married.  I learned my lesson the hard way, but I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to feel trapped and unhappy in a marriage ever again.

So all aspects of my life are in flux and trying to stay afloat though waves of uncertainty.  What is in store for me?  What is going to happen next?  What do I need to do to be the happiest and most fulfilled person I can be?  We'll see which roads life takes me down, I guess.